a little bit more personal

I feel like being a little bit more “raw” and personal with my post today, I guess mostly it’s because of what has been on my mind the past few days, and writing for me has always been a great vent. I feel like when I am able to write my thoughts out that it is a way of me dealing with whatever is going on in and my life, and even at times it’s my way to let go.

I feel like in a lot of my friendships that I have had that I invested more than I have ever received from it. I feel like in so many of those friendships that I have been the convenient friend, or the dependable friend [in the sense that I will always be there whenever they need something but not vice versa], and quite honestly I am getting a little bit tired of it all. In high school I know that there were a lot of people like this in my life, people that no matter how awful they treated me, or how much they neglected me as a friend that I would always rush to their side when they needed someone. It wasn’t until I met Scott that I was really able to see that. He was so brutally honest with me about some of those people because he saw that I deserved to have so much more than what they offered. Even in that knowledge, I don’t think I really understood until college how really untrue some of those friendships were. I met amazing people while I was at Rhema, people who are the greatest friends that I have ever had the chance to know, and my eyes were open to see a lot of the things that I was missing. I am so blessed to have those people in my life still to this day, and it makes me sad that I don’t get to see them as much as I wish I could, but they are forever the greatest friends I have.

I feel like I am in a place in my life right now where some people around make me feel again like I felt in high school. Feeling like I am not good enough to be someone worthy of their friendship, or that I am “second-string” in the sense that if nothing better comes along then I will consider you. Almost like a closet friend, meaning that you are my friend as long as no one else is around to know that you're my friend. Sometimes it feels to me like with people that it’s this front that gets put up, in the sense that they will be nice to you face to face but when it comes down to it, they don’t really care about you. Really, I know that this shouldn’t be even important to me because my life is fulfilling in its own right, but I guess some times you can’t help but feel.

I feel like with those people that they almost try to make you feel bad for being yourself, and that you should apologize for who you are because you don’t meet their standard, or that you aren't fun enough to be around them. I am sorry, but I am not going to apologize for being me, I happen to like who I am. I am not as weak as I was in the past when I would let people treat me like dirt. I am a much stronger person now and I have grown up a lot. Growing up doesn't mean I am not who I was because I have remained true to who I am. I am still the same old me, nothing has changed about that. I have the same silly fun side to me, I still love to giggle, and have a good time, never taking things too seriously. I still love with all my heart, and if you are my friend you can guarantee that as long as you offer the same to me, that nothing is more to me than keeping you in my life. So if you don’t love it, then leave it because I really think I am past that point of caring. I am not going to feel sorry or feel bad for being ME! I love me, and there are plenty of people in my life who love me for me too!! I am not going to even try to make things work with those types of people because there are too many good things & good people in my life that I don't need all that extra stuff weighing me down.

So, there is my vent. Like I said, helps me get it out, & let it go.